There is a lot of trouble and strife in the world today. It seems almost impossible to turn on your TV without seeing wobbly footage of men with huge beards waving AK47 assault rifles around. Nowhere is that trouble currently more prominent than in Syria. Thousands have died, including innocent victims caught up in a fight that they probably wanted no part in. It’s a terrible thing, war and should not be made light of. However, despite which side you may feel is “in the right”, we here at Noises From Bedlamhave uncovered a glaring obviousness that the mainstream press seems to have completely overlooked and our job here is to prove to you why Bashar al-Assad cannot possibly be an evil tyrant.
We have dispensed with delving into socio-economic, religious or political mumbo-jumbo and other factors that cloud the issue at hand. So how do we know that Assad cannot be an evil tyrant? He can’t grow a proper moustache. Just look at it. It’s pathetic.
Now, you have seen that moustache before – on the twelve year old kid at school that hit puberty years before everybody else and tried desperately to grow at least something in order to assert some sort of masculinity over their peers. Yes, she was a bit rough to look at, but went on to become a fine Policewoman.
Now we know, dear reader, that you are thinking “Oh my God, you’re right! How did I not notice this before?” But that’s okay. Nor, it seems, have most of the world’s media, apart from one or two of the better websites.
Proper Evil Tyrants have at least RESPECTABLE facial hair. And the best ones have a big fuzzy man-tash, not a wisp of fluff that looks more like it would be more at home sprouting out of the side of a 14 year old boys nipple.
We have of course, done some thorough research and can prove the Tyrant-To-Tash ratio is not just a theory, but stands up in the real world.
First up, one of the most famous recent tyrants that we all huddled around our television sets with our children to gleefully watch him hang:
Previously seen adorning walls all over Iraq and for whatever ills he may have caused, one cannot accuse Mr Saddam Hussein of having anything other than a bristling bush on his face. (Think about that one).
Like many moustachioed Dictators, he sometimes coupled his large caterpillar like facial decoration with a hat, just to emphasise his military and personal might to his people.
Perhaps the biggest mass-murderer outside of the US Government, Joseph Stalin had such a stupendous mass of hair on his face it has become almost as legendary as the man himself.
Our exhaustive research also led us to the little-known fact that he also had a penchant for tasteless shirts and Ferraris.
(Colonel) Muammar al-Gaddafi
Although a little on the wispy side, Col Gaddafi had notable facial hair which managed to stay around his mouth area, even when the rest of his face had apparently begun to melt. He also often looked like one of his bevy of security guards had just emitted a tummy-shame.
Here, we see a break from the norm and perhaps the most famous moustache on the planet. Having taken inspiration from earlier tyrants and evil doers, Adolf Hitler took the concept of the Dictator Moustache and did a very clever thing: he cut the sides off.
Zimbabwe’s Mugabe took the idea of cutting the sides off to a new extreme. It appears that Robert Mugabe wants to out-Hitler Hitler in more ways than one and has been doing quite a good job of it.
There are of course, many others. But I think we’ve proved a point. And overdone the joke.